Such a Sad Week

Such a sad week this has been for me.
I am glad to have an outlet like this to voice my pain on, even if I am the only one who reads about it later sometime.
My dearest friend here on this earth, my Corgi Dog Jax, was hit and killed by a speeding car early Wednesday morning. I had taken cold medicine the night before, and so was still sleeping when my dear husband let him out for his morning restroom break.
Kids were still on their way to the bus, lots of people going to work.....it happened in front of too many of our neighbors and a bunch of kids who love and play with my darling dog all summer.
We have contstruction pallets of materials across the street, cars parked on the street, kids walking, high snowbanks, and yet somehow, we still have morons who think it is ok to drive more than 20 MPH down a street with all those items and limited visibility. And those same people are so hardhearted they could hit someone or something and not have the decency to stop. umimaginable.
I wish I could put into words how grateful I am I was not there to see it happen.
As it was, the screaming of my husband woke me from a sound sleep. I dont really remember what happened next except I found myself in the driveway, wrapping a blanket around my shaking dog, who just groaned and sunk into my lap. I knew immediately he was badly hurt--his back legs were not moving with the rest of him. It was like all of time stopped.
This was just how we had started.
Five years before I had pulled up to a farm outside Tracy, only to be immediately "owned" by the strangest looking, and yet most adorable red puppy I had ever seen. He firmly fastened his teeth gently into my pants leg, and proceeded to follow me all around the farm, content as long as he had a hold on me. Once I finally sat down, he wiggled his way into my lap and fell asleep.
I did not choose him.
He chose me. How can you argue with that?
I took him home to my husband who was ill with some unknown seizure illness. And he immediately fell in love with this crazy pup with the big ears.
I want you to understand something. Jax may have been a dog. But he was more human, and more loving than most people I know.
This was the friend who warned us when Kurt was going to have a seizure, pulling on his pants leg to get him to sit down before he fell.
This was the friend who cried tears with us as we seperated, and who crawled time and time again into my husband's lap as he mourned the wife and child who were living in a different house.
This was the faithful friend who loved our child so much he would have taken on anyone and anything to keep her safe--who knew that his duty and his love was to protect this child that we loved more than life itself. It was the same friend who sat by her side for two days, licking her hand when available when she had her tonsils out...he knew how much she hurt.
This is the smiling face that for five beatiful years greeted us at the door every morning, and every night...who warned us of every person who knocked on our door...who snuck into our bedroom and snored right in unison with my husband on his side of the bed.
As I sat there...in the snow...and held him...I knew he was dying. I knew he had been hurt terribly, and I think he knew it too, because he just licked my hand...and leaned into me, putting his head on my lap.
I dont think there are words for the trip...12 grueling miles over every bump...to get him to the vet--who came in on his day off because of our call. To hear such a dear and faithful friend moan in pain, vainly trying to comfort me, his master, who cried and prayed the entire time there....to feel him slowly relax and begin to leave me. To see the tears roll down my husbands face as he carried him in to the vet's table, and seeing that he knew we were losing him.
Jax died in my arms a short time later. I can not describe to you the pain that seared my heart watching this beloved and precious animal breathe his last. If you hae ever lost a pet you dearly loved, then you understand my pain and suffering. If you have not...well, I pray you never do.
After he was gone, the vet shared with us that Jax could not,....would not...have lived. The person driving that car hit him at such a speed that it severed his spinal cord and caused massive internal bleeding. The only thing...ONLY consolation, was that perhaps his pain was not as bad as it could have been.
the last week has been hard. I find myself looking for him when I go in the kitchen, saving scraps or telling Annalise to put her leftovers in his dish, only to catch myself and take a moment to push down the pain. I have had many visitors this week who I dont even know they are here until they have knocked and finally walked in the door--Jax is not here to warn me with his barking.I have cried more than I thought possible..and finally just shut out trying to explain to those who dont understand how much I am hurting.
I miss my dog. Terribly. Horribly.  I miss that he will not be here to greet the arrival of two more beautiful little girls who would have made over him, dressed him up, let him pull their wagon, or that he could have protected from anyone getting a little too close for his comfort.
Will I heal?
....yes. But I think it is going to be a long time. I have been blessed with two "one in a million" dogs in my lifetime. I am pretty sure the odds are against another one.
I love you Jax. I do believe that God gave you to us for such a time as we needed you. You were a gift directly from His hands, and we were thankful for every moment that you graced our lives with your happy smile, big ears, and almost human nature to love and sense exactly when we needed you. I pray God has a special place for dogs like you....because Heaven just would not be the same without you there.
Take care of Issac for me, ok? Maybe God took you because my son wanted a puppy..the best out there...and you just simply were it.

Walking In Someone Else's Shoes

   One of things I have said consistently on our hospital caring website as we go through this pregnancy, is that every day is victory from here on out.
   I know it has been a while since I posted here, and only since the pleading of family and friends lately have I finally found the time to sit down and post again. I love you all--your words of encouragement about how I lift up your hearts and minds mean a lot to me..thank you!
   Reading all of the last posts brought tears to my eyes, because right now, we are truly walking in victory. Our Birth mom is 33 weeks through the pregnancy tomorrow...so so so much further than I thought we would ever get. The babies are over 4 lbs, and both are "breathing" in the womb--the only thing we are waiting for is time to pass so that they are heavier and more able to do everything on their own out here.

So today is a victory.  

Tomorrow is a victory. 

Our God is a God who delights in giving his kids victory over the smallest (and largest) of battles..and a God who carries us through those ones that blow us off our feet.
This battle has been one of the hardest, and longest of my life. I thought losing our son, Issac, would be the toughest thing I would ever have to go through. That barrier was broken as I watched my precious one pound four ounce second baby fight for life just 18 months later....or only a few years ago when my husband and I went through a separation that tore my heart in so many pieces I didn't think I would ever heal.
And while this battle has been SO hard, it is really all about one thing: " Do I TRUST God?"

Not just for all those little things.

Not for all the big things.

But just plain for everything?

I find myself more inclined to listen and far less to talk now. I find a stillness in me waiting for the strength of God to permeate before I act or answer. If you knew me before, you will laugh at those things, because I have been nothing if not a fun and impulsive type of person. Sometimes good,.....definitely sometimes that can be bad. (I am thinking of some high school friends who will wryly grin at those comments)

But more than anything, I find myself seeing things differently.

I find myself wondering if the reason the person in front of me at the stop light that is slow to respond at the green is having a tough time, and while everyone else is honking, I am praying.
I see the woman in the clinic walking across an icy parking lot looking all alone, and nervous, and I find it impossible to stop myself from walking over to help, no matter who is in the car waiting to go somewhere.
I find myself crying at the picture of people in Haiti, knowing there is nothing I can physically do...but praying and knowing God's heart must be breaking with the suffering.
I guess I find myself trying to look at the situation from another person's perspective far more than I ever did. Trying a little to walk in their shoes.
Today, our birth mom found out at the dr's apt that the babies will not be coming while a special visitor is here, because the circlage stitch will not be removed until the 18th. Her disappointment was of the bitterest kind. She has held on through a lot of tough days lately praying to get through until the 8th in the hopes they will take the stitch out and she will go into labor. To find out that  person will miss the twins' birth (she goes home on the 14th) was a devastating blow to her. What do you say in times like that? When you have explained all you can to the doctor and they still don't budge? And while I am not pregnant, while I am not going through physically all she has gone through, my heart aches, because I finally understand. I have walked so closely beside her for four months that I can see that pair of shoes crystal clear on her feet.

They are shoes of sacrifice, of suffering, and of pain.

   I feel so badly that mine are worn from the miles we have traveled, but ones of joy and anticipation as we wait for these beautiful girls to join our family.
    I am just glad I can walk beside her with my arm around her during these last few weeks.


Thank you all for your prayers and your caring. I am so glad I touch your life in some small way and encourage you to walk your faith daily through good and bad......